Thursday, January 11, 2007

Getting out of a bad place

Over the past week, and again today, I realized that I lost discipline in several areas as I started falling in love with Geoff. There are 3 key areas:

- money
- God
- health

Now, I shall elaborate on each of these areas.

I have never been a big spender. I have always been a saver. I have been blessed, for the most part, with plenty of money to do the things I wanted to do but also save plenty of money. Geoff is a spender. He also makes less money than I do. When we first started dating, he couldn't afford to take me out all the time, so I told him I could pay, it was not a big deal. Which was true at the time. But as time went on, several things have happened. One, we have made several large purchases that have been things Geoff has really wanted. Two (and this one more importantly), I started to move towards Geoff's spending habits a little bit and become more of a spender. I think it's hard to explain, but because I'm more of a saver, I don't really WANT as many things. He does. When I really WANT something, I (most of the time) buy it for myself. Well, I wanted to do this for him too. The problem is, he wants everything and I can differentiate because his wants are different than mine (I'm much more conservative with what I want). So I need to learn to not spend money because I think it will make Geoff happy. *I* make Geoff happy... not the things I buy him. Silly girl.
Solution: This one is easy enough, just concentrate on my spending and become disciplined enough to regularily use Quicken again (funny story on that, kinda stopped when I started dating Geoff, the last time I really scrubbed it was July when he was on vacation). Geoff is WAY on board and supportive of this one (I freaked out about it this morning and he's been amazing all day).

A couple of things on this one. One is that Geoff works on Sundays. When I first started dating him (we met at a young adults group at my church), I was going to Sunset VERY consistently - I never missed a weekend if I was in town. He went to a different church (St. Matthew), so I started going with him when he was able. The problem is, I STOPPED going to St. Matthew or Sunset when he wasn't with me. This isn't a problem for me in the sense of "I'm being a bad Christian because I'm not going to church" - it's a problem for me because I LOVE going to church. I love the music, I love the speakers, I love the community. I love it all. The second piece is the personal Quiet Times. This is my own lack of discipline (as all of it is), in not making that time each day. A lot of it has come from wanting to spend time with Geoff. It's also laziness!
Solution: There is great news on the church front - Geoff and I have agreed to find a church that works for both of us (as detailed in a post earlier this week) and I think Westport might be the one! I'll be attending this weekend again while he's out of town. I'm EXTRA excited because I really want to become engrossed in a church where I can volunteer and be part of the community. I feel in a place to do that more now because first of all, it's a smaller newer church, and second of all, I am more "established" in life somehow. The Quiet Time part - that's easy enough. I can do that easily, I just need to make it a priority. As a bonus, I'm going to a new young adults group (the one I used to go to got disbanded) called The Way with my friend Katie tomorrow night. I can't wait!! 500 people attend - TOTALLY my type of thing. Also... even though some of these God "things" fell by the wayside... my relationship with God has become stronger through Geoff. I appreciate Geoff for that every day - he is a wonderful example of God's love for me.

Right before I went to Spain in March, I was at the lowest weight I'd been in 5 years (since I was diagnosed with Crohn's), exercising regularily, eating low-carb, and feeling GREAT. I loved it. Looking at my exercise graph over the weeks since I've been dating him, it's totally interesting - drops off in the beginning when I see him all the time, then rises again as I realize that's dumb... then I have a surgery and can't do much for a few weeks... then a half marathon to train for and then Hood to Coast. After Hood to Coast, pretty much nothing... I was so burned out for running. I planned to not run again until January (which is like a 4 month gap, yikes). I should have at least been swimming or biking during that time. The low-carb thing partially stopped because of Spain, but then when I started dating Geoff I didn't want to be restricted or disciplined. He (the former college football player) could eat whatever he wanted and it didn't matter. I wanted to catch up to him and eat what and where he ate - um, HELLO!! I weigh 100 pounds less than him (or I did...), I can't eat as much as he can. I've gained about 40 pounds since I started dating him.
Solution: Exercise more and eat less. Ha! In all seriousness, I have already been to the gym every day this week, and it's not hard for me. I love it and I feel SO much better already. I love being sore! My tentative plan is sorta running and body works class on Monday, Tuesday off, swimming Wednesday, short run and body works Thursday, running Friday, Satrday off, running Sunday. I'd like to get some biking in there too, I will either bike to the gym and/or work when it's nice or ride the stationary during my running times. Better cross training than I had last year (because this gym has a pool). My running distances will be shorter this year, so hopefully my time will be faster - I want to run 10 minute miles or better for Hood to Coast this year! I'm definitely looking forward to NOT doing those 8, 9, and 10 mile runs! As far as eating, I started eating low-carb yesterday. I adore it. What's interesting is everyone thinks it's such a great weight loss solution... when really you need lower calories, not some special diet to lose weight. The reasons I love it are (a) it's really good for Crohn's (there is a particular low-carb plan for Crohn's actually, called the Specific Carbohydrate Diet, although I do not use that) and it makes me feel great and (b) it does have the side benefit of restricting foods so that you DO eat less and lower calories - the real weight loss solution. :) So I am happy, feel wonderful today, and things are good. Healthy Kelly is happy Kelly.

Something important to note is that I don't at all BLAME Geoff for these things. It's all been MY fault, and some of it just happened to occur since I've been dating him, with no connection to him whatsoever. I just need to get my life back in order, the way it should be! :) And I felt a confession to all of you would be a good thing. I know this has been a long post and I thank you for sticking with it. I feel better having all of these crazy thoughts in my head DOCUMENTED. I like being on track and having things the way they should be, and I feel like I have now course corrected and am on the path to goodness again.

1 comment:

marisa said...

about the eating like a guy thing ... yeah, after we got married, i totally started serving myself the same portion size as scott feeling okay about eating a lot because so was he. but then after a year and gaining 10 pounds i realized, "oh wait, he's a guy and he actually works out. this might not be the best plan." all that to say, i can empathize.