Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Soul Searching

So lately there have been a lot of men in my life, telling me they like me or think they like me or whatever else. I've been overwhelmed. I've been struggling. I've been learning a lot about me, these men, who people are, the way the world works, and a lot of other stuff. It's been good, but challenging. I've been close and far from God all at the same time through it all. He's definitely been challenging me and pursuing me every day. I've been challenged to be honest and straightforward with myself and others -- I think the hardest piece is being honest with myself. I'm very good at playing tricks on myself, but I also know myself well enough that I can easily look at myself and see what I'm doing. Why I'm trying to protect myself and those around me. But really, I need to make sure that I'm doing everything I can to not hurt my friends.

I've been challenged with sharing my relationship with God with people who in a million years probably wouldn't have guessed I was a Christian. I don't have a whole ton of Christian friends here, especially with working nights. I hope that changes, and that was actually a big driver of going to days. So I tend to be a little bit more personal about my faith than I was perhaps at school or other times. I want to have a "live out loud" faith, but I have struggled with that.

I had the joy of going to church with Andy on Sunday. It's so obvious to me how God is pursuing me! Our pastor came back from his 6 week summer vacation, and it was one of the first times that I've been in Oregon for "3" of something -- he sings a song every year about his 6 week vacation, and this was the 3rd year I've been here for that song. The airshow that we had over the weekend was another 3rd of mine. Wow, hard to believe it's been so long! Anyway, so back to church. The pastor started a 10 week series on Marks of a Christian - the overview was Sunday, and he used 1 John as his text. He pointed out 3 essentials -- faith, obedience, and love. He said that most Christians are pretty good at 1 or 2 and struggle at one of the others. But, to be a Christian means to be growing in all 3 all the time! It's painfully obvious to me that I always have struggled most at the obedience part, so I'm really trying to be more obedient. There are some decisions I made a month or so ago that were hard but I've been doing okay with them so far, so I hope that continues. I also think I've really been somewhat stagnant in faith and love... those are strengths of mine but I want to build on those! I've been reading 1 John kind of over and over since then, and I have been just absolutely floored a lot... there's so much in that text, and for as many times as I've read it before and as much highlighting as there is in that particular book of my Bible, there's so much more to learn! I'm so excited for the next 9 weeks as we delve deeper! And I just so adore my church, there is always something that I'm absolutely challenged with there. That to me is one of the most important marks of a good church -- feeling like a sermon is personally challenging you, like God is speaking to you!

This is a somewhat sporadic blog. But it's all of these thoughts I've kind of been cooping up for a long time. Now I just want to share so much. I finally had my Kelly time tonight. I went for a walk with someone who I hope will turn into an even better friend tonight... I enjoy walking and talking, and she said she wants to do it more, so I hope that happens! Then after that I made sure that I didn't see any of the "boys". I actually talked to all of them on the phone, and really want to see some of them, but I can't. I needed to focus on me and God, and have that time alone. I needed a BIG chunk of it, and I haven't had that in enough time. I function much better when I've had Kelly time and Quiet Time. I feel much less confused, I know what I want, and I know some of the hard choices I have to make and hard conversations I have to have. I question Doug... as sure as I was that he was the man who was created for me... I have strong doubts about that now. I was talking to him today and just really really wondering. He will be here in about 10 days, so we'll see how it goes. I am leaving my heart open, but again with the guarding. ;-) Some other doors have very much been shut, but one particular door that I thought would have been shut before it was open has not been. One of these guys that allegedly likes me hurt me very much several months ago. It wasn't entirely his fault, but I've very much held it against him for a long time. I watched a movie with him the other night, and was VERY guarded at first. But, then we got into conversation... I learned a lot about his life, his background, the reason he makes certain choices, his faith, etc. And I shared a lot about mine. It was just good to talk, and I know that he cares a lot about me. So that's made me think -- and again challenged me very much.

I love being challenged. It's hard, but it makes life interesting and it makes me grow. I've not grown a lot in the past year or so, but I've grown VERY much in the past 3 months. I hope this continues. I like the woman I'm becoming, and I realize how young I am and how much time I have to continue to make choices that will shape who I will become.

So, this has been very KELLY. It's very much me, my thoughts, my feelings. The way I think a lot of the time, when I'm being truly honest with myself. I don't share that often with you guys, very rarely in fact. But you read my blog, so hey, you might as well know who I really am. I might end up taking this post down, but at least some of you will get a flavor of the real Kelly. Especially some of you who don't know me as well. I'm almost scared for you to see this... but I want you to know. And honestly, I know you care enough about me that knowing me more will be only a positive thing.

Thanks for reading, and more than that, thanks for being my friend.

1 comment:

MoodSwingSet said...

I wish for you whatever makes you happiest.