Ad Sense

I'm thinking about putting AdSense on my blog. That means you'd see the ads like you see in your gmail when you read my blog. But I'd make money when you read my blog. Hmmmmm what to do? Weigh in people with comments. I wish I was as cool as Craig (craigslist Craig) and not a sell-out. Haha.

Well, it's Friday! Woo hoo!! And I've been pretty good about doing at least some updates all week, so yay for me. It's been a good week -- busy, as expected, but I got everything done. And this weekend I will definitely have some down time (though not tons of it) which I'm totally looking forward to.

Had an awesome conversation about God last night... I love talking about God and I love talking about me, and this conversation combined the two and it just made me soooo happy. I was such a huge fan. I remember when I used to go to lunch with Katrina and she'd ask me so many questions and it was just awesome. It's times like this when I wish I'd gone on staff with GIV or become a youth pastor -- it's like I feel like I'm applying everything that I've learned over the years. I remember going to lunch with Katrina last year and how much fun that was!!! Oh man... so exciting.

Happy weekends people. I get to fix my neighbor's computer, go out for fondue, go to Walmart, have dinner at Andy's, and go to church. Should be a GREAT one!!!!

Frustrated!

I'm having kind of an irritated afternoon. Nothing is really going the way I want it to.

Vents...
1. I miss my old job. I could make a list of pros and cons about the old vs. new, but there are a lot of things (perhaps especially the people) that I miss about my old job. Maybe I'll make a list and then I'll probably feel better.
2. This is sort of related, but I'm very annoyed because two of the somewhat major reasons I took this day job have now evaporated, which makes me mad. I guess I shouldn't let other people have such a big impact on my life, but I've never been selfish in that way. Maybe I should be.
3. I was involved in this conversation at lunch that I found very annoying. I mostly just sat through it and didn't talk, but it made me uncomfortable. It felt very petty to me, like some sort of junior high rivalry. I know that wasn't the way it was intended, but it was infuriating.
4. Realistically I know I need some time to myself. I might have some of that tonight, but it's unlikely. I'm starting to feel clostrophobic which is bad because it means I will push others away for a longer time than if I'd just done the right thing and taken a night for myself this week. Maybe I need to be more strategic about making sure that I keep one night (Monday - Thursday night) to myself each week.

Those are all of my major vents... I'm sure I could make up more but those are the ones I HAD to get off my chest. Thanks for listening!

Wednesday

Yes, it's Wednesday. Should be the first day of work but instead it's already half over!!! Kinda fun sometimes.

So this weekend was awesomely fun... Doug came Friday morning and we went to the wineries/vineyards for most of the afternoon. Yay to that! Lots of fun. Then we grabbed some dinner and watched a movie and had some more... wine. :) Saturday morning we got up and got ready for my BBQ, then people came over and we ended up just making a whole night of it, the neighbors came over and it was reasonably fun. Kind of a crazy night and very emotional in many ways, but it was actually kinda cool. Sunday morning I talked to Doug and decided dating was definitely a no go! Surprising and kind of sad in some ways cause I really had expected it, but it was a good decision overall. Then my aunt and uncle came and I gave them the grand tour of the house, then we went to lunch at Henry's. After that Doug and I walked around downtown for a while, then went to church with Andy and Charles, and then went to Helvatia Tavern with Andy. Fun day! Hmm let's see. Monday I had lunch with Andy, then went to the mall with Amanda and then talked to Tim for a loooong time. Tuesday I went for a walk with Marie, went to dinner with Tim, and then played Magic with someone's who's name is being kept anonymous to protect his or her identity. It's been a good week. Today I had lunch with Alex and am having dinner with Andy. Thursday is lunch with Andy and Amanda and book club. Friday is undetermined for lunch and then dinner wtih Andy. Saturday is probably lunch with Tim and then dinner with Andy and Amanda. BUT Friday and Saturday could change if Russ comes to town. BUSY WEEK... I need to slooooow down. But I'm loving it. :-)

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

No not seriously. I just feel like these lyrics are awesome. Story of my life lately! Good song. By Reliant K.

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want You to know where I am
'cause then You'll see my heart
in the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can’t let that happen again
‘cause then You’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am won’t take the second chance You gave me.
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘cause who I am hates who I’ve been.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.

Life is Good, Eternal Life is Better

I have that song stuck in my head. It's by Stellar Kart... never heard of them, but the first time I heard that song it was a really meaningful time -- ask me the story. Rich and Rufina are on their way over I assume, we're going to go to lunch. I think I'm going to recommend PCG, but there are lots of good places to eat downtown. I have so much to blog... I could write forever. Or I could write secret emails to you Andy... :) Seriously. I started this blog with the intention of making it one of those epics where I pour my heart out to the world... but I'm not in the mood for tht right now. Maybe tonight if I have time. For now though, just enjoy your Sunday. Kelly LOVES Sundays because Sundays are church days!!!!! :)

Hello my friends...

Okay this will be a quick one. Last weekend was GREAT... finally got my summit of a glaciated peak, so I can join the Mazamas (www.mazamas.org). Woo hoo and stuff! Very exciting... I almost teared up when I reached the top, and those of you who know me (Christine and Addy) know that I'm "stone cold" and don't cry for anything. It was such a huge accomplishment. I was thinking that even graduating from Northwestern wasn't as huge an accomplishment as this... the only other day I've maybe felt as proud was the day I got INTO Northwestern. Anyway, it was amazing and awesome and cool and makes me want to keep climbing.

I've spent lots of good time with friends this week... dinner with Tim, a movie with Marie, dinner at Andy's, Vin helping me with my house, chatting with Kristie the neighbor, Chevy's with Amanda. It's been absolutely amazing. And Doug comes tomorrow, then I'm having a BBQ Saturday, so the friend time will just keep going. As much as I feel totally lost sometimes, I kind of like not having responsibility and not having to worry about what's happening next in my life. Life just sort of goes along, you have to just enjoy the days and have fun and not worry too much about what comes next. So yeah -- life es good. Wow that is so Julius. Anyway, things are good, I'm happy, that's about it. I'll give you a better update hopefully after the weekend! Oh yes -- and I do love the new job, in case you were wondering.

And my next door neighbor is AWESOME -- he helped me fix my lawnmower and he is just awesome, so is his wife. I'm so blessed to have such awesome neighbors. And I found out yesterday that she went to a Bible study in the morning, I'll have to see what that's all about. Yay! Huge shout out to everyone who helped me with my house this week -- it looks totally amazing. It's what I've wanted my house to look like for months! It's all come together, and I'm so glad Doug and my aunt and uncle are coming to give me a kick start in getting it done. "Get er done" as my new work peers would say.

Soul Searching

So lately there have been a lot of men in my life, telling me they like me or think they like me or whatever else. I've been overwhelmed. I've been struggling. I've been learning a lot about me, these men, who people are, the way the world works, and a lot of other stuff. It's been good, but challenging. I've been close and far from God all at the same time through it all. He's definitely been challenging me and pursuing me every day. I've been challenged to be honest and straightforward with myself and others -- I think the hardest piece is being honest with myself. I'm very good at playing tricks on myself, but I also know myself well enough that I can easily look at myself and see what I'm doing. Why I'm trying to protect myself and those around me. But really, I need to make sure that I'm doing everything I can to not hurt my friends.

I've been challenged with sharing my relationship with God with people who in a million years probably wouldn't have guessed I was a Christian. I don't have a whole ton of Christian friends here, especially with working nights. I hope that changes, and that was actually a big driver of going to days. So I tend to be a little bit more personal about my faith than I was perhaps at school or other times. I want to have a "live out loud" faith, but I have struggled with that.

I had the joy of going to church with Andy on Sunday. It's so obvious to me how God is pursuing me! Our pastor came back from his 6 week summer vacation, and it was one of the first times that I've been in Oregon for "3" of something -- he sings a song every year about his 6 week vacation, and this was the 3rd year I've been here for that song. The airshow that we had over the weekend was another 3rd of mine. Wow, hard to believe it's been so long! Anyway, so back to church. The pastor started a 10 week series on Marks of a Christian - the overview was Sunday, and he used 1 John as his text. He pointed out 3 essentials -- faith, obedience, and love. He said that most Christians are pretty good at 1 or 2 and struggle at one of the others. But, to be a Christian means to be growing in all 3 all the time! It's painfully obvious to me that I always have struggled most at the obedience part, so I'm really trying to be more obedient. There are some decisions I made a month or so ago that were hard but I've been doing okay with them so far, so I hope that continues. I also think I've really been somewhat stagnant in faith and love... those are strengths of mine but I want to build on those! I've been reading 1 John kind of over and over since then, and I have been just absolutely floored a lot... there's so much in that text, and for as many times as I've read it before and as much highlighting as there is in that particular book of my Bible, there's so much more to learn! I'm so excited for the next 9 weeks as we delve deeper! And I just so adore my church, there is always something that I'm absolutely challenged with there. That to me is one of the most important marks of a good church -- feeling like a sermon is personally challenging you, like God is speaking to you!

This is a somewhat sporadic blog. But it's all of these thoughts I've kind of been cooping up for a long time. Now I just want to share so much. I finally had my Kelly time tonight. I went for a walk with someone who I hope will turn into an even better friend tonight... I enjoy walking and talking, and she said she wants to do it more, so I hope that happens! Then after that I made sure that I didn't see any of the "boys". I actually talked to all of them on the phone, and really want to see some of them, but I can't. I needed to focus on me and God, and have that time alone. I needed a BIG chunk of it, and I haven't had that in enough time. I function much better when I've had Kelly time and Quiet Time. I feel much less confused, I know what I want, and I know some of the hard choices I have to make and hard conversations I have to have. I question Doug... as sure as I was that he was the man who was created for me... I have strong doubts about that now. I was talking to him today and just really really wondering. He will be here in about 10 days, so we'll see how it goes. I am leaving my heart open, but again with the guarding. ;-) Some other doors have very much been shut, but one particular door that I thought would have been shut before it was open has not been. One of these guys that allegedly likes me hurt me very much several months ago. It wasn't entirely his fault, but I've very much held it against him for a long time. I watched a movie with him the other night, and was VERY guarded at first. But, then we got into conversation... I learned a lot about his life, his background, the reason he makes certain choices, his faith, etc. And I shared a lot about mine. It was just good to talk, and I know that he cares a lot about me. So that's made me think -- and again challenged me very much.

I love being challenged. It's hard, but it makes life interesting and it makes me grow. I've not grown a lot in the past year or so, but I've grown VERY much in the past 3 months. I hope this continues. I like the woman I'm becoming, and I realize how young I am and how much time I have to continue to make choices that will shape who I will become.

So, this has been very KELLY. It's very much me, my thoughts, my feelings. The way I think a lot of the time, when I'm being truly honest with myself. I don't share that often with you guys, very rarely in fact. But you read my blog, so hey, you might as well know who I really am. I might end up taking this post down, but at least some of you will get a flavor of the real Kelly. Especially some of you who don't know me as well. I'm almost scared for you to see this... but I want you to know. And honestly, I know you care enough about me that knowing me more will be only a positive thing.

Thanks for reading, and more than that, thanks for being my friend.

The First Weekend!

So, the first two days of my new job were awesome. I think this job is going to be really good -- very challenging and a completely different direction than my old job. I'm really looking forward to it! The first two days were actually a little slow with online trainings and stuff, but I think that will go away very quickly. We'll see. So then Friday night I went over to Vin's, and had a great great time! I had a nice chat with Geoff and I also sat down and talked to Dominique for the first time in a long time. There have been many boys coming into my life in interesting ways lately, so it was cool to tell her the whole story! Then my sister's boyfriend Charles called and was upset, so that kind of put a damper on things. That really upset me more than it should have, but I went home at that point and talked to some other friends to just kind of vent and undwind. Saturday morning I picked Andy up from the airport and TRIED to go to Russell St. BBQ, but it is still closed from the fire. Boo. So then I came home and got a LOT done around the house and yard and kinda chilled until about 10 when I went to go watch a movie with a friend. Had a really nice time there, and then came home and slept. Today I really really want to mow my lawn if I can convince Vin or someone to help me with that, and maybe the BBQ too. We'll see. Then I'm going to church at 5 and then YIKES have to get ready to work tomorrow morning. Ew ew ew. I miss my Mondays and Tuesdayas already! But I still love being a normal person, I can see a difference in me already. But I can't stay up until 4 or 5 AM like I have been this weekend. Silly night shift friends. Hehe. I had something else I was going to say but I completely forgot it, so maybe another blog later if I remember. :-)

Wedding Pics!

Okay, didn't want to make you wait. Here are a few pics from Laura and Randy's wedding!

Labor Day weekend!

It's been a GREAT weekend in Chicago. :-) Of course. Who would have expected anything else?

Friday night was awesome. The last night of work on my job -- sad but nice. Went out to dinner which was great, and got to see everyone one last time. Went for a run about 4:30 AM, definitely tripped and fell. So embarassing! But it was dark out so I have a sort-of excuse?!?! Hehe. Great night at work. I heart my job... very very scared about moving to the new one. Praying about that...

Saturday afternoon I came in and Tim very graciously picked me up. Then we went to Duffy's downtown for Stacey's going away party. We got to see Jennifer and her fiance Steve, Patrick, Emily, Kathleen, Stacey, Mike, Chad, Nikki, Hart and his girlfriend Becky. That was 11 of the 15 high school group friends right there! The pics above are from Saturday night -- the first is me and Tim, the second is me and Kathleen.

Sunday at the wedding there was of course Laura and Randy, Jen, Anthony, Hart, Tim, Emily, Jennifer and Steve, me, Patrick, Hart's girlfriend Becky, Nikki and her boyfriend, and Andrew Ellis! So that added another 4 people from the high school group... The wedding was absolutely lovely, lavendar which of course I ADORED. IT was a super fun time, great dancing, great food, great catching up with friends and watching two great friends get married! I thought they also did a wonderful job of blending their Catholic and Jewish faiths. I'll post wedding pics tomorrow. I love this pic posting thing!

Monday I got up and my parents and Christine came to visit, YAAAAAAY. So much fun! We went to Noodles for lunch (YUM DIDILY YUM DUM). Then we drove around somewhat randomly and then went to Woodfield. Weird, haven't been there in a while. We spent about 5 hours together, it was great to see them. Ugh, I should have taken a famliy picture. Boo to me. THEN Erin Birk came and met up with me at the mall!!!!! Yaaaay I had so much fun with her, she is so much like me in so many ways and it was good to catch up. I really want to convince her to move to Portland -- I'd have a climbing partner in crime which would be awesome. Patrick too. Both of them have expressed an interest in it so that would be totally awesome. (an interest in both climbing and moving.) So anyway, great times. Then I came back to Tim's house (he and his family have been SO kind to let me stay with them all weekend) and chatted with him and his parents for a few hours, then watched some TV with Tim. I should have called my friend Joel right at 6 PM when I got home, we'd talked about getting together but I just didn't really think of it. About midnight I go upstairs to go to bed, and he's online so I IM him. He was my mentor (boss?) my internship 4 summers ago, and we liked each other at the time though never did anything about it because of work. We haven't seen each other in 3 years (we worked at different facilites but the same company the summer of 2002), so we really wanted to see each other. So he finally convinces me to see if Tim is still up, so I ask Tim if it's okay if I go out and just stay out until the morning (so I don't have to wake anyone up coming back in). He says it's fine, so Joel comes to pick me up about 1 AM and then we go to his condo in Schaumburg. It was REALLY nice, he'd just redone it and he has great style. So we put a movie in but really are just chatting for a few hours... then we finally kiss, 4 years later. Hehehe, it was great. It was a really nice evening, good to see him. He says he's going to come out to Portland, but he is fickle so I doubt him. He says in his own online profile - ".....Oh and I never do what I say I'm going to do. I'm unreliable as a friend." So we'll see. All the same it was a good night.

This morning Joel drove me home (to Tim's house) and then we had lunch and chatted. Then I took a little nap and then I woke up and went to dinner with Patrick, then just drove around Palatine, etc. Great night, and a great end to a great trip. I'm looking forward to coming home to Portland tomorrow!! YAY YAY!!!!

The only people of the 20 high school friends in "the group" that I didn't see this weekend were John, Aileen, Julius, Kaley, and Heather. Not bad at all! - actually I think the best we've done in 4 or 5 years.

So much goodness!

First of all, hi Marisa. :-) I'm so excited when I find out people read my blog!!! Especially when I blog-stalk them too!

So I had an amazingly wonderful weekend! My last long weekend. Tear. So on Saturday I slept a few hours and woke up at 1:30 feeling wonderfully refreshed. Went to a BBQ at my boss's boss's house, which was goregous and had a great backyard. Cool to hang out with some work people and just really great conversation. That night I came back home and kinda had a lazy night. Rented a movie and went to bed early like the true dork that I am.

Then Sunday I woke up and spent most of the day with Andy... we took a drive around Portland and went to a farmer's market and found a new gellato place! Then I went to church and then I went to a BBQ at Geoff's house. I met his friend Amy from California who is SUPER cool -- I wish she lived here.

Monday morning I woke up and randomly checked the "free" section of Craigslist -- the 4th item on there was a free lawnmower! YAAAY! So I call the guy up and end up going over there to get it. He even gave me a free weed whacker too while I was there. My lawn is DEFINITELY going to thank me for this. I haven't gotten to use it yet, that will have to wait until I get back from Chicago and have more time, but I think it's going to work out just fine! I also saw an add for a really nice $20 gas grill, so I had emailed that guy about that. He and I arranged for me to pick it up at around 7:30 PM. So then I met Geoff and Amy at Portland City Grill before her flight left. I had a great time with them and then headed back this way to get the grill. The grill guy was SUPER nice, had just sold his house and moved into a condo, so basically just wanted the grill to go to a good home. So we stuffed it into Jake, and then I went and met some friends at Macaroni Grill for Brandon's birthday! We had a great time and I had a lot of really good conversations that night. I'm such a sucker for great conversation!

Tuesday morning I had my Remicade. The greatest part was there was PATIENT BINGO! Apparently the hospital has it every Tuesday at 1:00 PM! How fun! So this cute 80 year old man volunteer guy convinces me to play... first I said no, but then I re-evaluated my IV bag and how much longer I had when he came back to get me to play. So I turned to channel 75 on my TV and this woman volunteer lady was calling out the bingo numbers, then if you won you called her extention and they sent another volunteer over to check your card. Needless to say I didn't win, but that's probably good... I'd feel kinda bad when I was just there for 3 hours. I'm happier than people who are in the hospital for who knows how long get to win. Then Tuesday evening I met Amanda at Red Robin for a house discussion dinner... it went REALLY WELL! I'm so excited for her to move in, we got everything worked out logistically and I think as roommates we'll work out really well. We both really need our space, and there is plenty of room in my house so that we'll both be able to do our own thing. We talked through a bunch of different scenarios so it looks like it will work out well. And I talked to Charles, my sister's boyfriend (who lives in Portland), and he said he will help me paint the house. All I have to do is buy the paint! I will probably take him out to dinner or something too, but he is so super friendly. And he said that he is going to start coming to church with me too (he thinks) so I will have a new church going partner now that Addy is gone (she left on Saturday... I guess I didn't make that update... very sad. I almost cried, and as Addy, Christine, and Charles will attest, I am "stone cold"). Then Tuesday night Vin came over to catch up and then help me with my lawnmower and BBQ a little, but I think he'll have to help me more in the future.

Doug is coming to visit in September, I'm very excited about that! I don't know what the future holds for us, but I'm excited to at least hang out with him. We've been challenged by distance for years, but it seems now that he realizes that if he wants us to have a real chance he should move to Portland. He said that, which was quite interesting. Don't know really what to think about this, but I'm guarding my heart and praying about that to see what is in store for us. I think I'm going to have a BBQ the weekend he comes to try out my new BBQ and let him meet my friends.

I bought a new computer this morning... mine has been unreliable with the battery for almost 6 months and the DVD/CD drive stopped working in January, so I've had my eye on prices for a while. Dell has some REALLY good deals, so I bought a new Pentium 4 with a 17 inch flat panel for $430 this morning. It will be so nice to have a new computer that I can depend on and have at home when my work laptop is where it should be -- at work. I'm also scheduled to get a new laptop at work in about a month, so it will be nice to have all new machines! Wow I'm a dork. I was reading my old blogs a week or so ago about how Jenn had encouraged me to fast from theknot.com, and I did an entire internet fast. I am thinking of doing that again sometime soon.

I only have two more nights left at my current job... I will miss it soooooo much. I know there are a lot of exciting new challenges and opportunities ahead, but I'm very scared. This will be a great thing for my social and personal life, but it's scary to go to a new job where I have no idea what to expect, esepecially when I was really finally getting good at my old job. I'm trying to get as much "negative" feedback as I can from co-workers this week so that I can improve as I step into my new job. Yaay for challenges and the unknown.

Laura and Randy's wedding in Chicago this weekend, yaaay! I haven't been there in over a year, which is crazy to think. Stacey is having a going away party Saturday night, so I'm going to go to that. Then the wedding on Sunday, and then my parents and sister are coming to visit Monday. Tuesday is open but I'm hoping to have lunch with Grant and then maybe catch up with who knows who else. Please let me know if you'll be in Chicago and/or available to see me that weekend! I guess it's not and/or, more of an and. :-) Wednesday I come back around noonish and then have the rest of the day off and then start work Thursday MORNING. Yikes, I don't even know how to work in the morning. Oh, and I'm veeeeery slow and irresponsible and a procrasinator, so I haven't secured anywhere to stay yet in Chicago -- so if I can stay with you please let me know. :-) I'd be very grateful.

Wow there is just so much to update... this is what happens when I'm so bad about it. I'm trying to improve, and I think I'm getting a little better, but still not what I used to be. I'll keep trying guys. :-)