Thursday, April 14, 2005

Hmmm

So, this is rather interesting. I will blog about Vin because he doesn't read my blog, and I am safe. The happy news in all of this is that I am still happy, because I am so well grounded and finally became happy for the right reasons. But, I did finally learn the lesson so many people have been trying to get me to see for so long. I needed to make my own mistake though. It's very apparent that Vin puts girlfriends ahead of friends. I knew this for a long time, and I never necessarily thought it was the *wrong* choice, just an uncommon choice that most people choose a time or two and then decide is probably not the choice for them. So I decided Vin was worth being friends with anyway, and when he wanted to spend time with me, he would. So for the first few weeks of dating Amanda, Vin and I barely spoke (granted he was out of town, etc.). The last few days, when he thought Amanda was not so into him, he was around me and talking to me all the time. Quite obvious that I'm the "backup". That inherently isn't a wrong thing, but the thing is, I've just decided that I don't want to be a part of that. I don't mind being friends with Vin, but I don't want to be that close to him, there's no reason to be close to someone that wants to be close only when it's convenient. He also wants to be close to only talk about him, never talking about me. There's just a whole mess of things that I'm not fond of and don't want to be a part of, other than hiking, watching Alias, hanging out with our mutual friends, etc. I appreciate his company for certain actvities, but I'm no longer interested in being in the little world.

What I have found light in is of course *God*. But He remains constant, so that is of little surprise. When I'm properly focused on Him, my happiness doesn't come from things that can let me down... and I made that mistake when I first moved here (the second time). Spring break refocused me on Him and me realize that I'm not interested in finding happiness in other places. Every time I continue to do that, He reminds me why that's just not cool, and not so much going to work. Yay for that. But I've also found happiness in real friends... namely, Andy. Of course there are Dominique, Amanda, Geoff, etc. and other people that I spend time with and really appreciate, but Andy really is a rock in my life and absolutely amazing. He totally watches out for me and I appreciate it, and that's all I'll say here. Another really awesome person is Mike, Vin's brother... who in a way also watches out for me and makes sure that I'm making good choices. I definitely appreciate that. In the midst of amazing friends, I've got Christine and Addy moving here for the summer, I'm looking at houses, I'm so enjoying my job (though admittedly not the hours), I adore my mountaineering class and the challenges it's presenting me both physically and mentally, and I'm just happy. Mountaineering is a cool sport, because though it's very much built on team trust and skill, it's also individual. Long hours of physical conditioning, running, hiking for 8 or 9 hours in a day, being up on the rock alone, etc. Though you may have someone to chat with on a hike, or friends cheering you on climbing up a tough rock face... you're doing it. It makes you think, and for me it makes me pray and be about God and trust Him to push me way further than I've ever been before. I like that. I can't wait to do more climbing this summer and get to know Mazamas people much better.

As for the man situation, I don't know. Don't know where I'm going with that in life right now. There are several people I'm interested in, but what do I want? Do I want to be single? Do I want to date? Do I want a serious relationship? I'm not really sure... usually it's either be single or want a relationship, but this is the first time in my life I've ever been able to say I just have no idea. Russ thinks I'm happiest when I'm dating, and that's made me ponder for a while. Vin says the love of my life is still looking for me... but he's the hopeless romantic. I'm just kind of the truster in God and what He wants in my life. I just normally like to have more control over it. AH HA... this is one of those "God moments" when God is just like BAM Kel, this is what's up... He's making me trust Him. Unexpected, because I haven't been acting like I'm ready for a challenge or trial, but apparently here it is, in a very unexpected place. Didn't realize that's what this was about, but I think it is... hmmmm... okay sorry that was weird, a total ephiphony right in the middle of the blog writing. But y'all are my friends, I'm sure you're into that. I know that God has the best plan for me, so I guess I'll for REAL give it to Him instead of just saying "I'm not dating anyone" and playing the little game I play with Him so much. I'll just let it be... not try to have positive or negative control over it. My, this will be fun... and a challenge. :-) I'll have to come back to this blog to definitely remember my thoughts on this one!

Happy reading... and I really do appreciate all of you reading. My blogs are so sporadic, not nearly as interesting to read as someone like Ryan's who is a great writer, but they are very me. Either very IE style and describing my days, or very Kelly and just laying it out there on ya. So thanks, my loves.

4 comments:

Jenni said...

I totally agree with your trimming away your friendship with Vin. As we get older I think we realize we have less time to spend with friends and less time to spend with friends who are not meeting our expectations ... (friends who only call when it's convenient, friends who require way too much loyalty, friends who bring out the sides of you that you don't like, friends that don't agree with your morals, etc.) Having just a few REALLY good friends that you can count on is rare!

Emma said...

I don't really know what you should do about Vin. I am too young to understand such things...
But I think your blog is great.

Emma said...

Is Vin a girl??? I thought Vin was a boyfriend or something. Sorry!
Well, you can be friends with her if you can trust her to come to you when you need her. Have you come running when she needs you? You need to treat eachother the same.

RJB said...

Thank you so much for calling my weblog "interesting to read" in spite of my having updated it about once per month this year.

As for your man situation, bah, you're doing fine without one of us. You have a good job and fun hobbies. Enjoy them. Date as the opportunities arise - that's a fun hobby, too. But don't rush yourself.

Good to see you're hanging in there, Kel. Take care.